A random thought

There we were, watching some inane programme on the TV when I realized it was our anniversary. Now keeping in mind both my partner and I have been frantically busy it was little wonder each of us (appeared) to have forgotten this event. In order to gain some brownie points for at least remembering the occasion, I leaned across, planted a kiss on her forehead and whispered "Happy Anniversary" into her ear.

She pulled back and gave me one of those quizzical looks that only women can do so well and quietly replied; "After all these years you still fill me with wonder."

I was deeply touched by these words and, gazing lovingly into her eyes said I felt the same about her.

"Oh no." she replied,"I think you misunderstand me; I'm filled with wonder as to why I've stayed with you for all these years!"

Once again, the quick female wit had gotten the better of me and I found myself unable to come up with a pithy retort.

Oh well, I suppose I deserved it for for not marking our anniversary in some way. Note to self that next year the "Happy anniversary" words need to be accompanied by something from Tiffany's.

Are there stages of sex during a relationship?

The male view of the various stages of sex during any relationship probably varies from that of the female. Rather than delve into what the hell, the females view is I’ve simply list the three know to man.

Stage One

House Sex; this will take place anytime, anywhere.

Stage Two

Bedroom Sex; only in the bedroom; only at night; only with the lights turned off.

Stage Three

Hallway Sex; where you pass each other in the hallway and say “Fuck You!”, “No. Fuck you!”

Why don’t guys help around the house?

You look on our reluctance to help you with household chores as just being part of an inherent laziness for all things domestic. To some extent this assumption is true. The real answer to the question is, why and how did we become this way in relation to domesticity? The answer, or blame, once again can be laid firmly at the feet of the female species in general. Ask any man how his attempts at assisting with household chores were received and you will usually be furnished with the same reply; I did all the dusting and vacuuming and then she spent the next half hour pointing out all the things I’d missed and ended up having to redo it all herself.

Now that you know the rationale behind our reluctance to assist round the house, please keep in mind that you can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Do men understand what women experience with PMS?

PMS; who would think that three such innocuous letters could spread so much fear and terror into the heart of even the strongest male?

Yes, we do know the usual definition of PMS but prefer to have a selection that we males more readily relate how we conceive what you’re going through to –

• Pass My Shotgun
• Psychotic Mood Shift
• Pissy Mood Syndrome
• Plainly; Men Suck
• Pack My Stuff
• Potential Murder Suspect.

For males, PMS is always an ideal time to purchase your partner a gift. The present should generate approximately five minutes of peace, which although may not seem much, when you’re experiencing an emotional hurricane, even reaching the eye of the storm is somehow satisfyingly, calming.

(In the event my wife is reading this, none of the above has ever applied/ related to her)

Why can’t a woman say the “L” word first?

Women can generally say the "L" word first only in the following circumstances –

· The man is dying with no hope of recovery.

· It's in the heat of passion thus giving an 'out' if the situation becomes 'uncomfortable' afterwards.

· His mother asks what your intentions are with her son.

· You’ve been living together for the past few months. (Please refer to the 'Stages of a relationship".)

When a woman says the "L" word first, the following can be a part of our thought process – (I only say “can be a part” as none of these entered my consciousness when my partner initially said it)

· Impending marriage.

· Children.

· Life sentence with no chance of even a parole hearing.

· Money consistently flowing out the door.

· Won't be able to chuck my job in and go sailing off around the world.

· Any future decision will have to receive the approval of 'her'.

· I'll have to get rid of my porn collection.

· I probably need to stop dating other women.

· There will come a time in the near future when I wish I had kept my porn collection cause it’s the closest thing to sex I'm getting

Why don’t men complain when banished to the couch for the night?

There are several reasons why we don’t complain too loudly when this occurs.

It’s a general indication that whatever argument was occurring has now finished, or, is in intermission while the female thinks of more points to raise.

We are currently not required to continue listening, or expressing feelings and emotions.

It is close to the fridge

It is in front of the TV.

We can treat it as camping

Getting ready to go out

There is a basic difference between the sexes when it comes to preparing to go out.

Whereas your preparation appears to be constantly fraught with decisions over one outfit versus another. Then compounded by which accessories would compliment your outfit to its best potential, we males find the process much simpler.

Generally, you have already selected our apparel for the event and all we are required to do is put it on. Your selecting our clothing is better than the alternative of us hearing “you’re not wearing that are you?” which apparently is not a question! Having you pick out our ensemble does not worry us in the slightest, and even if we are given the burden of selecting our own clothing, the fact we have no problem with looking exactly like every other male that will be in attendance at the event causes us no pause for thought at all. Have you ever heard your male companion, upon entering any function exclaim “oh my god. We have to leave. That guy by the bar is wearing the exact same black suit as me”. After all, we are getting dressed, not getting ready.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, really.